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Blossoming As A Type 4.

Hey guys!

So, I recently discovered that using Enneagram typology, I am a 4w5. I’ve already learnt a lot about this type and after learning about the different levels of healthiness of my Enneagram type, I decided to write a blog post on blossoming as a type 4 as soon as I could.

I believe I’m at level 7 on the four’s levels of development scale.

I think if I were on any level below a 7, I would basically feel much worse than I do now (although I do resonate a lot with level 8 too). In fact, I definitely feel everything written that a level 8 feels, apart from I don’t feel that I am closed off to receiving help – which I think is the biggest distinction between a level 7 and a level 8 in my opinion. In fact, I absolutely love being helped and actively ask for help often, and although sometimes it is difficult to receive it, I’m always happy and grateful once I have. Definitely not a level 9 at the moment though – I think that level is reserved for the lowest of the low points I experience in my life (such as during my foundation year at my first University…) Although, I definitely do experience the odd emotional breakdown every now and then!

I think if I were on any level above a 7, I’d definitely be a lot more expressive than I am now, although I do relate a LOT with level 5, and I think a level 5 is basically me on a good day!

A level 7 resonates with me most because it is a state where chaos leads to one disallowing themselves from basically doing anything that they enjoy, leads to anger toward oneself, leads to depression and isolation… It’s just basically a sort of reactionary state to being in a bad situation.

My bad situation? Well, I’m just not doing great at Uni and am just generally really not very happy with my life and how it’s going at all. It could be worse, but it certainly could be quite a bit better.

So, I want to blossom.

What is it to blossom?

Apparently, according to the Google search result for “define blossom”, it means to “mature or develop in a promising or healthy way.” Synonyms are develop, grow, mature, progress, evolve, burst forth, come to fruition, flourish, thrive, get on well, prosper, succeed, be successful, make headway, bloom, burgeon and go great guns… Antonyms are fade and fail.

Basically, I’m pretty bored and fed up of being a level 7. I mean, it’s okay, but there is a lot more out there for me to experience and I know that’s the person I want to be.

I know I probably seem to be taking the Enneagram too literally, or seem obsessive, or maybe it seems like I’m just using this as another procrastination tactic.

It isn’t that I’m taking the Enneagram literally, rather that it has made me feel quite validated and I definitely resonate with this typology system better than the MBTI (it took 4 tests before I got the same result twice for MBTI, and only 2 for Enneagram).

I’m not obsessive about the Enneagram itself – rather about the prospect of being happy, healthy and successful.

I’m not using this to procrastinate, this is something I need to do so that I will find being productive easier and feel less need to procrastinate altogether.

So, I’m really excited about this. I’m excited about working on me. I work on me a lot to be fair, but in a much less direct way than I intend to now do. This should be priority – type 4’s who are on the extreme end of level 9 are LIKELY to commit suicide! I mean, what’s more important than preventing that? I need to climb this development ladder and FAST.

I’m scared of shifting my focus – scared that my future will somehow fall apart, scared that it will lead to me being unproductive, scared that it won’t work, scared that it will be a waste of time, scared that it is the wrong decision, scared that this will just lead me into an even deeper depression, scared that it might go right and I might actually end up being happy through doing this… That’s the scariest thought of all! It means letting go of who I am, who I have been, and allowing myself to live the life I’ve always wanted. That’s scary when you feel like you’re not good enough to live that life.

So, to start my blossoming, I’m going to get myself some routine going. I’ve heard nothing but good things about fours having a good routine to get them stuck into the reality of daily life. I’m not going to go nuts with a routine, but I’ll just give myself the structure that I think I actually need to be happiest.

I also really need to stay on top of my studies. I NEED to stay grounded in the reality that I’ve created for myself, but without TRAPPING myself! I need to be studying, hard, and doing the work I set for myself and meeting those expectations every single day. I need to be kind to myself and give myself realistic expectations and allow myself time to just be free, but sticking to those expectations is essential to me being happy and loving myself.

I need to begin taking care of myself and making me feel good about myself. I need to take my long Lush baths, do my hair and makeup, use my perfumes, take care in what clothes and jewellery I wear, taking photos of myself and being proud of who I am and of how I represent myself with how I look.

I NEED TO BE FEARLESS AND MAKE TIME TO DO THE THINGS THAT I ENJOY! I need to allow myself to READ my books, to write my blog posts, to edit my photos, to paint my pictures, to learn my instruments, to sing my songs, TO CREATE. I NEED TO MAKE TIME EVERYDAY TO BE CREATIVE! How else am I going to express myself? I NEED THIS. I think this will absolutely bring me the most joy in my life. I need this so, so much.

I’m going to leave it there, because I think that amount of focus is the right amount to allow me to thrive.

This is, of course, before the fact – so I will do my best to update ya’ll on my progress at a later time to say how it’s all going.

Thanks for reading,

Storm

 

 

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Growing Up

Growing up… Becoming more mature… These phrases always leave me with a subtle sense of dread lingering in the back of my mind.

I’ve never liked the idea of being sensible, grown up, mature for my age or anything else. I love the idealistic image of me being young, crazy, wild, full of energy and still being the young version of myself at heart.

But, you know what? Being mature doesn’t have to be a bad thing. I think that as long as one doesn’t allow their fun, idealistic self to become too sensible and realistic, as long as one doesn’t allow their young, spirited self to die and fade away, then I think being wise and mature is a brilliant thing. It allows for an easier life – one where individuals are able to provide for their own wants and needs independently and with little-to-no mental anguish.

I wouldn’t want to be less mature than I am, that’s for certain. Any sense of maturity and wisdom I have is something I prize when it comes to sharing my ideas in conversation. It’s a part of me that helps me to be kind and open-minded, to think logically and objectively in tricky or tense situations. With any less maturity than what I already have, I think I’d be a lot less happy.

In fact, I think I’m not quite mature enough. I do despise that word though – mature. It conjures up the image of an unhappy old woman, boxed in by her own thoughts of what’s considered to be sensible, normal, conventional. And THAT’S not somebody I ever intend on being!

But… I wouldn’t mind my partner knowing that, should he feel tired after work, he can rely on me to be happy to cook a healthy, tasty, fast dinner for the both of us.

I wouldn’t mind for Richard to feel at ease with the knowledge that my financial health isn’t dependent on him working at a good job – that I can financially support myself and even him if he were ever to want a break from working.

I wouldn’t mind Richard not having to worry about keeping a close eye on my mental health, not having to help me keep myself physically healthy, and not having to make sure I’m on top of my Uni work.

I wouldn’t mind finding it easy to take out the recycling, to clean and tidy the flat, and to achieve some general chores (like making important phone calls,) all by myself.

I wouldn’t mind not having to feel guilty and stupid after saying something hurtful to someone I love, and for my partner to trust that his emotional wellbeing, happiness, dreams and freedom are 100% safe in my hands.

I wouldn’t mind being less scared of the world, and to be able to just get on with doing things by myself.

I wouldn’t mind my partner feeling that our roles are equal – that neither of us are a burden in any way, shape or form to one another, that we are both strong, healthy, happy and complete individuals.

I wouldn’t mind being able to make my ideas a reality, without having all this doubt and anxiety holding me back.

I have made it my mission to have achieved my desired level of maturity by around a years time!

I never want to be boring. I always want to be a cute, strange, quirky, unique and adventurous person who’s always unapologetically me. I just want to be a more strong, confident, skilled, fearless, dependable and reliable version of that person.

Basically, I want to be a cute princess and a badass superhero.

Becoming more mature, grown up, intelligent and wise does NOT mean you have lose anything positive that your young self possesses. It doesn’t have to mean that at all. It means retaining your youthful spirit whilst honing some of your weaker life skills, until those skills are strong and complete.

If being mature means to be cute, strong, strange, confident, skilled, quirky, fearless, unique, dependable and reliable, then it’s something I want to be.

– Storm