I’m writing this post because I find different people’s sexuality development sort of interesting. Perhaps people think that’s weird, but I think the amount of variety in different people is just really cool! I also think it’s good to feel comfortable with how you are, and sometimes when somebody else talks about how they are, it makes you feel more comfortable with how you are… (if that makes any sense?!?)
I dunno. I just watched Emma Blackery’s youtube video on being sexually confused, which sort of got me thinking about all of this.
I don’t generally like to talk about my sexuality, because to me it is private and honestly, isn’t really a big deal. I just for some reason felt interested in writing a post about it today, so here it is!
If you don’t really give a fuck and are not interested in reading then guess what? No one is forcing you to, so just don’t read it. I write my posts to make myself happy in all honesty, not to impress anyone at all.
Okay, so while I was very young, as in below the age of 5, I thought that every woman absolutely had to marry a man when they became an adult, and that was that. Around this age, I had never had a crush or anything of the sort. I did, however, mutually like men and woman in general, as people. After this point is when I started thinking a little bit more about romance and all that – not to an extreme measure I mean, I was 5. But I do remember telling my friend at school when I was around 6 years old or so, that I was in love with her… I remember telling her something along the lines of “I love you, I mean I really really love you, not like a friend, I REEEEEEAAAALLY love you.” She responded by saying that she loved me too, and I was proper chuffed. I even remember being sort of jealous when she told me she liked this guy in our year later on. But, this was all between the ages of 5-8, so what did I know about love? I definitely thought that girl was amazing, but honestly, I think I just was more possessive over her as a best friend more than anything else. I thought me thinking she was great meant that one day I would want to marry her!
When I was younger, I’d say I was more of a tomboy than anything else. I loved to wear certain dresses, but I generally much preferred to wear a good ol’ baggy T-Shirt with some shorts and trainers. I have always been certain of my gender though. I am a girl and have always felt one – how feminine or masculine a female I feel I am is a different thing all together! I think I have always been a nice mixture of both feminine and masculine.
I moved school just a bit before I turned 8, so that was the end of that! At my new school I developed some serious crushes, for real. They were all for men, or more like boys at that age. Unless you include the Halifax man. Yeah, I was a weird 8 year old. I actually went through phases of liking A LOT of different guys during Primary school…
At my first Secondary school, I got my first maaaaaaaaaaaaajor crush on a boy, and he became my first boyfriend! I thought he was great!
Later on, I changed Secondary schools, and it was during my time at this secondary school that things got a bit more confusing. I pretty much had told my friends at this school that I was bisexual. I honestly didn’t really know if I actually was, but I did know that girls interested me, and that boys did too. Honestly, I was more sexually attracted to girls for the majority of my time in secondary school, although I had only ever had boyfriends or done anything even remotely sexual with a guy. I don’t know why this was… I guess I always felt more comfortable being with a guy. I think a lot of that is because I always knew I wanted to ultimately get married and have children with a man, so I felt like maybe I would be wasting my efforts or something if I explored relationships with girls. But again, I DEFINITELY found women FAR MORE attractive than men at this age. In terms of my romantic feelings toward people, I could just as easily be interested or have feelings for a man as a woman.
After I had left school, my sexuality changed quite a bit. I definitely straightened out somewhat, and now I’m pretty much only sexually attracted to men! I just don’t really have much sexual interest in women in that way. Although, I do think I have the capability to develop feelings for both men and women in the same way. I still see a future getting married and having children with a man though..
This all probably sounds quite confusing, and that’s because, clearly, everyone changes over time. Everyone’s sexuality stuff, I personally believe, is a point on a very flexible, constantly moving and changing scale, rather than a set point on said scale. Or maybe everyone is different, and for me the scale is somewhat flexible whereas for others, it is definitely set.
Anyways, to summarise my sexuality history:
Romantic attraction: Men+Woman (/anything else???) (has always been this way, romantic attraction is based on personality alone for me, ie someone’s beliefs, morals, likes and dislikes etc)
Sexual attraction: Men -> Women (mostly) -> Men (mostly)
Who I see my future with: Men (has always been this way)
Gender I feel comfortable identifying with: FEMALE (100% has always been this way)
Masculinity/femininity: Feminine + Masculine
Overall, I have always been more interested in men. This all could change, but I honestly doubt it! I am 100% certain that I feel comfortable as a female, that I would preferably end up with a man, that I am for the most part sexually attracted to men, that I am a healthy mix of both feminine and masculine and that I could develop feelings for someone regardless of their sex or gender. I am perfectly happy with how I am in this sense. I am happily in a serious relationship with a man, and I’m super happy with how it is going! How I define myself: HUMAN.