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Blossoming As A Type 4.

Hey guys!

So, I recently discovered that using Enneagram typology, I am a 4w5. I’ve already learnt a lot about this type and after learning about the different levels of healthiness of my Enneagram type, I decided to write a blog post on blossoming as a type 4 as soon as I could.

I believe I’m at level 7 on the four’s levels of development scale.

I think if I were on any level below a 7, I would basically feel much worse than I do now (although I do resonate a lot with level 8 too). In fact, I definitely feel everything written that a level 8 feels, apart from I don’t feel that I am closed off to receiving help – which I think is the biggest distinction between a level 7 and a level 8 in my opinion. In fact, I absolutely love being helped and actively ask for help often, and although sometimes it is difficult to receive it, I’m always happy and grateful once I have. Definitely not a level 9 at the moment though – I think that level is reserved for the lowest of the low points I experience in my life (such as during my foundation year at my first University…) Although, I definitely do experience the odd emotional breakdown every now and then!

I think if I were on any level above a 7, I’d definitely be a lot more expressive than I am now, although I do relate a LOT with level 5, and I think a level 5 is basically me on a good day!

A level 7 resonates with me most because it is a state where chaos leads to one disallowing themselves from basically doing anything that they enjoy, leads to anger toward oneself, leads to depression and isolation… It’s just basically a sort of reactionary state to being in a bad situation.

My bad situation? Well, I’m just not doing great at Uni and am just generally really not very happy with my life and how it’s going at all. It could be worse, but it certainly could be quite a bit better.

So, I want to blossom.

What is it to blossom?

Apparently, according to the Google search result for “define blossom”, it means to “mature or develop in a promising or healthy way.” Synonyms are develop, grow, mature, progress, evolve, burst forth, come to fruition, flourish, thrive, get on well, prosper, succeed, be successful, make headway, bloom, burgeon and go great guns… Antonyms are fade and fail.

Basically, I’m pretty bored and fed up of being a level 7. I mean, it’s okay, but there is a lot more out there for me to experience and I know that’s the person I want to be.

I know I probably seem to be taking the Enneagram too literally, or seem obsessive, or maybe it seems like I’m just using this as another procrastination tactic.

It isn’t that I’m taking the Enneagram literally, rather that it has made me feel quite validated and I definitely resonate with this typology system better than the MBTI (it took 4 tests before I got the same result twice for MBTI, and only 2 for Enneagram).

I’m not obsessive about the Enneagram itself – rather about the prospect of being happy, healthy and successful.

I’m not using this to procrastinate, this is something I need to do so that I will find being productive easier and feel less need to procrastinate altogether.

So, I’m really excited about this. I’m excited about working on me. I work on me a lot to be fair, but in a much less direct way than I intend to now do. This should be priority – type 4’s who are on the extreme end of level 9 are LIKELY to commit suicide! I mean, what’s more important than preventing that? I need to climb this development ladder and FAST.

I’m scared of shifting my focus – scared that my future will somehow fall apart, scared that it will lead to me being unproductive, scared that it won’t work, scared that it will be a waste of time, scared that it is the wrong decision, scared that this will just lead me into an even deeper depression, scared that it might go right and I might actually end up being happy through doing this… That’s the scariest thought of all! It means letting go of who I am, who I have been, and allowing myself to live the life I’ve always wanted. That’s scary when you feel like you’re not good enough to live that life.

So, to start my blossoming, I’m going to get myself some routine going. I’ve heard nothing but good things about fours having a good routine to get them stuck into the reality of daily life. I’m not going to go nuts with a routine, but I’ll just give myself the structure that I think I actually need to be happiest.

I also really need to stay on top of my studies. I NEED to stay grounded in the reality that I’ve created for myself, but without TRAPPING myself! I need to be studying, hard, and doing the work I set for myself and meeting those expectations every single day. I need to be kind to myself and give myself realistic expectations and allow myself time to just be free, but sticking to those expectations is essential to me being happy and loving myself.

I need to begin taking care of myself and making me feel good about myself. I need to take my long Lush baths, do my hair and makeup, use my perfumes, take care in what clothes and jewellery I wear, taking photos of myself and being proud of who I am and of how I represent myself with how I look.

I NEED TO BE FEARLESS AND MAKE TIME TO DO THE THINGS THAT I ENJOY! I need to allow myself to READ my books, to write my blog posts, to edit my photos, to paint my pictures, to learn my instruments, to sing my songs, TO CREATE. I NEED TO MAKE TIME EVERYDAY TO BE CREATIVE! How else am I going to express myself? I NEED THIS. I think this will absolutely bring me the most joy in my life. I need this so, so much.

I’m going to leave it there, because I think that amount of focus is the right amount to allow me to thrive.

This is, of course, before the fact – so I will do my best to update ya’ll on my progress at a later time to say how it’s all going.

Thanks for reading,

Storm

 

 

1

In Response To Emma Blackery’s “Why I Fell Out Of Love With Lush…” Video.

Hey guys,

I’m bored and just watched Emma Blackery’s video on why she has fallen out of love with Lush, and instead of commenting on her video I decided I’d make a post with my response on my blog.

So, here it is:


 

I still love Lush and really enjoy buying their products – but they have definitely changed a lot (over the past 3 years particularly).

It’s still an exciting store, but is just so insanely popular now – you’d have to turn up at 10am on a Wednesday or some similar time for the store to actually be remotely calm and comfortable to go shopping around in! The staff also drive me nuts (I know that isn’t their fault) and their approach to customers has always been a problem, but has definitely become a LOT more aggressive than before.

I do still like a lot of their old – school products – like Coalface for example, but don’t honestly go in to buy any of my old time favourites that they do still sell. As a customer, I feel like I’m just constantly being bombarded with new products, so the really high quality, older products take a back seat and aren’t really noticed so much, which is really sad!

I think everybody just went a bit nuts over Lush and all at the same time, and that “boom” has really changed the company and the customer’s experience of the company. I think they just need to cut back on their releases (e.g. releasing maybe 5 new lipsticks versus FORTY, under 10 releases for each season, maybe only 10 new permanent line items each year etc,) so that old products could be discontinued at a much less noticeable rate (and so that only old products that people don’t really care about would be discontinued).

I know Lush is supposed to be an innovative company but I don’t think there is anything boring about keeping around the products that people love and that work.

I am still interested in some of their products that they sell at the moment – I’d really like to find a nice lipstick from their new range for example, but beyond that I’m personally just trying to get through my stash and only purchase anything from there either on the rare occasion that they release something that does excite me, or on the rare occasion that I run out of one of my daily Lush essentials.

I think I *could* get back into the company more passionately once I work my way through my stash entirely, but with all the new products that they are constantly releasing I do feel that it would be difficult for me to do. I’m the type of person who likes to try a bit of everything to find their ultimate favourite product from each category (shampoo, conditioner, shower gel etc,) and then to stick to that product! That’s something that’s become almost impossible to do with Lush…

For example, I had ALMOST worked my way through all of their cleansers – and now they have 6 new solid ones?! You can’t even get samples of those things, and it’s hard to truly know how something works until you take it home and really trial it.

I think to really enjoy Lush you have to be using their products religiously every single day, because otherwise you will just become overloaded with products to use up and with new products to try.

Definitely isn’t the company for a customer who’s trying to find their perfect product through trial and error and is fairly bad at consistently using products.


So, that’s what I have to say about falling out of love with Lush!

Again, I DO still love Lush, and Lush is still my favourite store by far. I’d honestly be happy if they just reduced how many new products they release at a time, and if they cut back on their amount of products by maybe 50% or so. They just have WAY too much going on!

It’s hard for a customer to become loyal and in love with and attached to a product when the product lines keeps changing. That just sends customers a very confused message.

What do you guys think about Lush? Have any of you guys fallen out of love with the company? Feel free to leave a comment on your opinions below 🙂 

Storm

1

It’s Time For My Tryptophan!

And I’m scared.

Not scared of the pill itself, I’m just…

Scared of this journey.

I’m scared that it will actually work, that self-medicating myself with Tryptophan will actually make me feel better.

WHY DOES THAT SCARE ME?!?

I’m scared of losing this massive part of me.

I’m scared of not being ill enough to have my struggles diagnosed…

It feels like I’ve been through SO MUCH, and that pretty much NOBODY has helped me, nobody has listened to me, nobody has given me the support I’ve needed (besides my partner) – I didn’t even reach the point of being brave enough to have a Student Need’s Assessment so that I could have more time for exams or some leniency with deadlines (I don’t think I’ve ever finished an exam paper due to time constraints and my mental health problems.)

I’m disappointed in myself for not having sought out more help than I have done while struggling, but at the same time, I’m disappointed for all the times I’ve sought out help and HAVEN’T been helped.

I don’t know, it just feels really scary and like…

It’s like I haven’t been able to function as a normal human being – my partner does everything for me, I’ve never had a job and I’m 25 years old, I’ve had to take FOUR DIFFERENT LEVEL 3 COURSES (Access to Higher Education Diploma, two University Foundation Years and Intensive A-Levels,) to FINALLY get onto the first year of a degree.

It’s just been so dysfunctional and abnormal – but that’s become my normal.

I think I’d find it hard to live up to the expectations of being a healthy, intelligent, high functioning adult with the world as their oyster.

I know this all probably sounds ridiculous and at my worst I do wish that it would just go away, but now that that might become a reality, it just feels very odd.

I’ve lost all my friends over this, I’ve lost all my hobbies to this, I’ve lost SO MUCH TO THIS.

What if just taking Tryptophan solves it all? Would I feel like all I’ve lost to mental health problems was just… For no reason at all?

Bearing in mind aswell that this is a depressed person speaking and depression, for some reason, kinda wants you to spiral downwards, to make the choices that exacerbate the situation etc. It’s self defeating. It WANTS to win.

The idea of just simply being happy, healthy, capable, sounds…. Uncomfortable.

I’m literally trying to convince myself and talk myself into trying to treat my mental health problems. How stupid am I?

It sounds so petty, doesn’t it?

It probably won’t change anything by taking this pill anyways, and this is what I’ve wanted for years so what the hell am I hesitating for?

It’s the right choice, so I’ll just do it.

Here’s to hoping my dodgy brain actually sees some improvement over the next few weeks.

I’ll update you all tomorrow, maybe, if I feel like it 🙂

I know, I’ll up the ante.

If I see improvement, I can treat myself to something I really want, like… I don’t even know… Something I’d actually be able to enjoy if I weren’t mentally ill – like a good book or something! Been years since I finished a book. Kinda impossible to focus with my racing, anxious, overbearing, over-thinking, repetitive, stressful thoughts!

Storm

 

3

Depression Triggers

Following on from my last post…

I also have depression. Yay!

And I get depressed a lot.

Sometimes this can be worsened or brought on by a “trigger”.

I’m going to list some of my triggers – maybe the list will help some of you know what sort of things to AVOID if you have someone in your life who is also suffering from depression, or maybe it can be something you can relate to if you have depression, or something that can educate you, or entertain you?

I dunno guys, use it however you will.


 

1.) My relationship with my partner not being exactly how I want it to be. Maybe I overthink the situation when he doesn’t give me enough attention, which leads to me feeling really un-special, unattractive, plummets my self confidence, makes me really dislike myself and my life and wish my relationship was more than it is and ugh… Leads to depression. Guys, just to clarify, my partner is amazing. I’m just a person who needs a certain amount of attention from their partner to actually feel like I’m wanted so when he isn’t feeling very affectionate towards me, it brings on my depression haaaaaard.

2.) Not waking up at a good time. You know how nice and, well, NORMAL it feels for most people to simply wake up at like 07:00? On a full 7-8 hours of deep, undisturbed sleep? Yeah, that doesn’t happen to me. This is the earliest I’ve been awake in a while – and it’s around 10:15. I go to sleep at maybe 03:00 at night. My sleep is disturbed because I always go to sleep super anxious, and watch maybe 3 hours of TV in bed before sleeping. Before bed is usually when I discuss problems I had in my day with my partner, so I also normally go to sleep really down and ugh… It’s just proper screwed up and disorganised and it’s really really difficult to wake up happy after sleeps like I have!!! I should be in bed at 23:00, without any electronics or anything, after having taken a bath and after having a GOOD evening with my partner and a really productive day, and then just actually fall asleep easily for a good 7-8 hours. That’s all I need. It really sucks starting every single day late. Caused by depression and induces depression, a beautiful cycle. This also leads to me sleeping during the day and having an even less productive day and leads to even more depression and leads to my night sleep causing me to actually be over-rested, so I also always wake up with a headache and feeling unwell. Amazing.

3.) Not doing well on my degree. I’ve been missing SO many lectures recently because of my lack of energy and my weird sleeping pattern. I’ve been hardly working, and earlier this week I received the first grade that I’ve been very unhappy with this Semester. It’s okay, I’ve come to terms with it and have thought of a way to level out my grade to bring it back up, but it’s just upsetting. I have an assignment I wanted to hand in tomorrow that I haven’t even started. It’s just never-ending work which is just almost impossible for somebody with mental health problems to actually succeed with. I just feel lazy and really disappointed in myself for not doing better, and I know everybody else just views me as lazy and unreliable as well. It’s easy to judge what you don’t know or don’t care to understand.

4.) Not having a great support network. I don’t have any close friends whatsoever. I have my partner, my mother, my little sister, my little brother, my older brother, my older sister and my father. That’s every single human being that I feel I can turn to. I also have my niece and nephew but y’know, they’re kids. I plan to get married next Summer or possibly the Summer after, and those are all the people (minus my little sister who’s in America, and my partner who will obviously attend) who I will invite. With me having full power to invite whoever I wish, 7 people, at maximum, will attend my side of my wedding. I mean, it could be worse, I could have a small immediate family. The problem is though, that as I said before, my little sister lives in America and well, the rest of my family all live in Glasgow (I live in London), so they’re not exactly super close. I hardly see them. I hardly speak to them. It sucks.

5.) The fact that my anxiety is kinda taking over every aspect of my life. I’ve bought bags and bags of beautiful new clothes, that have just remained in their bags for literally 2 years, all because of my anxiety. No, clothes do not scare me. The decision to just wear them when I had planned to do haul blog posts with them scare me. The prospect of all the steps it takes to create a haul blog post scares me. This is the exact same problem I have with using bath bombs I bought like, 3 years ago. Nothing in my life is simple anymore because my anxiety over-complicates EVERYTHING. Which leads to depression.

6.) Winter. I hate worrying about having the heating on all the time. I hate feeling cold. I hate the static in my hair. I hate the silence and stillness. I hate how ugly it looks outside, how dark and glum it is. I just despise it. I get seasonal depression every single year without fail, meaning that although I have general depression year round, my depression gets more severe during the winter months. Which is just lovely when everybody else is so excited about finishing up work / education for the winter and about Christmas.

7.) Just not being who I want myself to be. I feel like if it wasn’t for my anxiety and depression, I’d be who I actually want to be and feel like I AM, on the outside. I’d be able to live my life in a way that reflects my actual wants, likes, beliefs. I’d have hobbies, a good routine, friends. I’d have all the tattoos and piercings I’ve wanted to have for years, would wear the clothes I love, would go out and just be happy and enjoy myself. Instead I’m just quiet, isolated, unhappy, anxious.


 

The only ways I find relief from my depression is when things actually go right, which is kinda rare?

It’s not that I’m ungrateful – I am SO grateful for what I have. I do feel that it’s difficult for me to get things right and how I want them to be though.

I’m very critical, and am a perfectionist at heart, so unless I feel like something is basically done exactly how I want it to be done, I won’t be happy. I know that it’s bad, and is something I’ll work on.

If there’s somebody you care about who is suffering with depression, keep this perspective in mind. Anxiety and depression often go hand-in-hand, so it’s likely that similar things will “stimulate” their depression.

My advice would be to just help. Help make things in their life easier. Help make things actually go RIGHT in their lives – whether that’s getting out of bed at the time they wish they would, or going to bed at the time they wish they would, or getting them to shower before bed so that it’s one less thing they’ll have to worry about in the morning. Whether it’s through being the support that you are and taking them out, bringing some fun and excitement into their life. Showing you care about them by making them a card, giving them cuddles, complimenting them.

Helping them get their to-do list done!!!

I think that’s genuinely the biggest way to help somebody with their depression. Go onto trello.com, create a ‘To do’ list, a ‘Doing’ list and a ‘Done’ list, and ask them every single thing in their mind that they would like to get done, big or small. Fill up the to-do list, and update it every few days with new things that they’d like to do. Help them get items moved to the ‘Doing’ list and ultimately, the ‘Done’ list. Trust me, this will help them SO much!

Storm

4

Anxiety Triggers

I have anxiety.

I have BAD anxiety.

It doesn’t ever really go away, the only escape I have from feeling worried, stressed, irritable, scared, unfocussed, from overthinking or over-planning is when I’m distracting myself with comforts, and push my worries to the back of my mind.

They’ll still be present, but will kinda be in the background.

This happens when I’m able to just lay down and talk with my mother online about random things.

This happens when I’m able to go to bed and have my partner give me a nice shoulder and back massage.

And that’s about it.

The majority of each and everyday is spent avoiding stress and being stressed.

I thought I’d write about some of my triggers, because as my anxiety progresses, I realise that even though my triggers seem blatantly obvious to me, others either just don’t think about them or don’t care about them very much, or about the effect they have on me.

So I need to vent and yeah, I don’t know, writing about my triggers somehow makes me feel like somebody else is really taking in what I’m trying to say will actually HELP me A LOT.

IF YOU CARE ABOUT ME AT ALL PLEASE AVOID THESE THINGS AROUND ME AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.


 

1.) Loud noises. Actually, any disturbing, distracting sound to whatever the ambient background sound is for that particular setting. I hate it when my partner E-cigs, because that sound just breaks through any background sound and it just spurs on my anxiety. I hate the sound of dishes clanking when somebody is preparing to cook, or is doing the washing up, or is whacking the cooking utensil on the side of the pan. I hate the sound of people coughing. I hate the sound of phones ringing, or of doorbells buzzing. The sound of people moving furniture around or hoovering in the flat above me… Or the sound of them walking around REALLY loudly. I hate the sound of typing… I hate the sound of tapping really hard on an iPad or phone screen to click. I hate the sound of extractor fans. I hate the sound of fiddling with an object, like clicking a pen non-stop. I hate the sound of loud talking while in a library. ANY OF THESE INCIDENTS will LITERALLY make me unable to think, until the sound stops. My focus is so bad that I just can’t deal with those sounds. They make me freeze up, and just wait until it’s over, so that I can actually resume my thoughts. Just imagine that for a second. I mean, these are occurrences that happen multiple times in a day that most people don’t even notice. Well, I do. It sounds ridiculous but these interruptive sounds – oh, yawns aswell… Ugh, I hate the sounds of yawns in the morning. Anyway, these interruptive sounds LITERALLY DISABLE ME. I become entirely UNABLE to process thoughts while these sounds are going on, and even once they have ended, I find it much more difficult to process thoughts afterwards and it takes me much longer to, well, think.

2.) Interruptive things in my view. This includes pacing, fiddling with something, staring at me while I’m trying to focus… Even just people walking around in the kinda “background” of my view while I’m trying to focus, I NOTICE IT. Wow, writing this makes me realise just how bad it is, but this is all genuinely true. Again, it can be really difficult to focus with these distracting movements going on, although they are nowhere near as triggering as the sounds thing. Oh, and pop-ups in the corner of the screen. And the messenger tab flashing when somebody messages me. And you know the little line that flashes when you stop typing? That.

3.) Asking me questions, ESPECIALLY TO MAKE DECISIONS. PLEASE GOD NO. Ask me what I want to eat for dinner? You may end up waiting like, 2 hours, with me going back and fourth in conversation with myself trying to make a decision, only to end with me crying and having a breakdown. Not even kidding. Decisions can be okay sometimes, but usually not. The worst kind of question / decision making thing is when somebody asks for me to confirm something I had already decided previously. E.g. I decide I want something for dinner and tell them, and they then ask “So you really want that thing for dinner?” Ugh. As soon as they ask that stupid, stupid question, my brain overanalyses and we have another couple of hours of decision making, distress, headaches and anger on our hands. Please, if I make a decision about something, DON’T QUESTION IT. I don’t mind if it’s like “Oh cool, why do you think that?” Just not the “Are you sure?” sort of questions. Just don’t. Yes, I’m sure. I already made that decision, please do not put me through the pain of making it again!!!

4.) Time limits. Having to get ready in the morning to be on-time for lectures everyday. Having to go to bed before a certain time in order to achieve my 7 1/2 hours of sleep per night. Having to take a pill at the same time everyday. Deadlines. Having a party at a certain time. Someone asking if I want to hang out last minute, requiring me to have to get ready quickly in order to meet them in time. Mostly the getting ready thing. Jese. The amount of breakdowns I’ve had in the mornings, the amount of times I’ve stood in the shower balling my eyes out, the amount of times I’ve finished my makeup and find myself just crying it all back off once I see what time it is. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I hate it. I CAN’T FUNCTION UNDER THESE CONDITIONS. Once you put a time constraint on me, it takes me twice as long to achieve anything. It’s the pressure, the stress. For example, I only ever really manage to answer around half the questions in multiple choice exams and have to just gamble on the rest. I’m late to things multiple times a week. THIS IS NOT LAZINESS OR ME BEING UNPROFESSIONAL. This is me setting myself a decent hour to get ready and my anxiety making it take me an hour just to wash my bloody hair. It is NOT my fault. Have kindness people and do not judge situations based on preconceptions.

5.) Asking me about my day, my progress, my plans, my achievements or talking about your day, your achievements, your plans etc. Even if it’s just asking me what I want to do today, or telling me what your plan for the day is. It just stresses me out so much and makes me super tense. I hate all of those conversation topics. It makes me go into this overanalysing mode and makes me tense up and feel really uncomfortable.

6.) Doing things that interrupt my day or what I’m working on. It takes me so long to decide anything, and even longer to get started working on the activity I decided on doing. So, once I’ve started said activity, please, do not get in my way or break my focus. I hate it when I’m tidying up, only to have somebody sitting RIGHT where I need to tidy, when my entire goal was to get the place super perfectly tidy. I know it sounds really extreme but ugh, this is my life guys. This is a lot of people’s life.

 


Those are the biggies!

I’m sure I come across as rude in this post but eh, I’m just, y’know, stressed out. As usual 😀

Storm

0

My Hair!

Hey guys!

This post is all about my hair! I’ve been wanting to write a post about my hair for a while because it’s definitely something I feel quite proud of, and I’d love it if some like-minded ladies found some hair inspiration in this post 🙂

I hope you enjoy!


BEFORE… 

(Dying process took place sometime between 3rd June 2014 and 16th July 2014.)

Before I began growing my natural hair out, I had been dying it for the previous 8 years or so. I literally hadn’t seen what my natural hair looked like since then, and I always assumed it would be a mousey, grey-blonde, super unattractive colour going by what I could see of any roots that would show.

Nonetheless, I became absolutely sick and tired of trying to maintain a dyed hair colour. It just felt like a losing battle against nature, so in the end I thought “Fine hair, you win. If you want to be natural, healthy and long, you can be natural, healthy and long.” I decided it was time to let nature take its course and to just accept my unique genetics for what they are – rather than trying to hide them. I decided to go all natural, and to grow my hair out completely. My goal was to grow out my natural hair, without any cuts besides trimming off split ends, to the point where I would find my hair to be actually less attractive than when it were a tad bit shorter. I’ve always loved long, natural princess hair, so I assumed this would turn out to be a very long length!

To begin this process, I first cut my hair at the time as short as I possibly could without getting upset, so that I would have as little “starter” hair as possible. I also dyed it with a permanent dye in my favourite colour (magenta) – both so that I could enjoy having beautifully coloured hair one last time, and so that I would have a permanent marker between where my old, damaged hair ended and where my natural, new and healthy hair would begin. Basically, I had a very short (around lip length) straight across magenta bob, with a fringe (or bangs.) The natural hair process had officially begun!

DURING…

During the hair growing process, I would check my roots everyday in the mirror for any progress. I was SO EXCITED by the sign of any new, healthy, natural hair growth! I took such good care of my hair during this stage – I made sure to wash it very, very rarely (only once it would become very, very dirty,) and made sure to condition it in the shower every single day. I even went so far as to put BODY BUTTER AND BODY LOTION into my hair, to help add in EVEN MORE moisture!

Every now and then, when my hair would start to become a little bit longer, I’d ask my partner to cut my hair back to its original bob length, straight across, whereas I left my fringe to grow out. My plan was to get all my hair to be natural, and all the same length.

After maybe a year or so, my hair was entirely natural and my fringe had pretty much grown out – yay! It was also just below shoulder length. I decided to cut a fringe in around this point, which I then grew out, and I then cut another fringe and some face-framing layers in a year later. I basically have just maintained my fringe, grew my face-framing layers out and have just kept growing my hair out, only trimming it straight across to get the split ends off every now and then.

AFTER…

(Hair at the present, 3rd September 2018)

After all that time, 4 years and 2 months later (wow, I didn’t realise it had been that long,) my hair is now pretty damn long, and I still have my fringe! I still haven’t reached a moment where I look in the mirror and think to myself “My hair actually looked more attractive before, when it was a bit shorter.” So, I’m still growing it 🙂 After all of this process, I now absolutely LOVE my natural hair. I think the colour is absolutely gorgeous – a golden, sunshine caramel colour, and think that it’s such a unique colour for people with my warm, olive skin tone to have. I love how healthy it is. I love how free it is. I don’t interrupt its natural process at all – besides to shampoo / condition / add hair moisturisers to it, and apart from cutting it to maintain my fringe length and to keep the split ends at bay. I just really, really love it. I feel that my hair is more unique, true to myself and self-expressive than I have ever felt it has been before.

I aim to keep growing it until I reach the point I stated earlier, and to then to cut it and maintain it at the length I decide looks the best. I don’t think I’ll ever stop wanting a fringe – I love how I never have hair in my eyes and I just think a fringe really suits me (and most people honestly!) After reaching my ideal length, I MAY cut it into some sort of style – like into a V-shape, cutting layers into the front to frame my face and layers into the back, MAYBE. It’s far more likely that I wont though, because I just really love my hair and don’t want to cut any of it off! I have also toyed around with the idea of perming it – I’ve always LOVED curly hair, but the thought of it growing out, having to maintain it and it just not being natural really puts me off. I’ll more likely keep trying overnight hair curling methods. As for dying it in any way, I do love the look of sun-kissed hair – pretty surfer-esque highlights or a balayage effect, but I don’t know… I think I’d prefer to try to achieve that naturally, by applying chamomile and lemon to my hair and sitting in the sunshine! Basically, I kinda love my hair now, like, a lot. The thought of it taking on another colour besides my own scares me! I absolutely love bright colours like magenta – just not on my hair thank you very much!

The way I do add some interest to my hair is by using overnight curling methods to curl my hair, by maintaining my fringe, by using hats and accessories, and by putting my hair up into different styles like braids, high ponytails, side ponytails, messy buns etc. I love my hair! 🙂


 

Thanks for reading this essay about my hair!

What are some things you love about your hair? What are some things you love about your natural self?

Let me know in the comments below!
– Storm

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Growing Up

Growing up… Becoming more mature… These phrases always leave me with a subtle sense of dread lingering in the back of my mind.

I’ve never liked the idea of being sensible, grown up, mature for my age or anything else. I love the idealistic image of me being young, crazy, wild, full of energy and still being the young version of myself at heart.

But, you know what? Being mature doesn’t have to be a bad thing. I think that as long as one doesn’t allow their fun, idealistic self to become too sensible and realistic, as long as one doesn’t allow their young, spirited self to die and fade away, then I think being wise and mature is a brilliant thing. It allows for an easier life – one where individuals are able to provide for their own wants and needs independently and with little-to-no mental anguish.

I wouldn’t want to be less mature than I am, that’s for certain. Any sense of maturity and wisdom I have is something I prize when it comes to sharing my ideas in conversation. It’s a part of me that helps me to be kind and open-minded, to think logically and objectively in tricky or tense situations. With any less maturity than what I already have, I think I’d be a lot less happy.

In fact, I think I’m not quite mature enough. I do despise that word though – mature. It conjures up the image of an unhappy old woman, boxed in by her own thoughts of what’s considered to be sensible, normal, conventional. And THAT’S not somebody I ever intend on being!

But… I wouldn’t mind my partner knowing that, should he feel tired after work, he can rely on me to be happy to cook a healthy, tasty, fast dinner for the both of us.

I wouldn’t mind for Richard to feel at ease with the knowledge that my financial health isn’t dependent on him working at a good job – that I can financially support myself and even him if he were ever to want a break from working.

I wouldn’t mind Richard not having to worry about keeping a close eye on my mental health, not having to help me keep myself physically healthy, and not having to make sure I’m on top of my Uni work.

I wouldn’t mind finding it easy to take out the recycling, to clean and tidy the flat, and to achieve some general chores (like making important phone calls,) all by myself.

I wouldn’t mind not having to feel guilty and stupid after saying something hurtful to someone I love, and for my partner to trust that his emotional wellbeing, happiness, dreams and freedom are 100% safe in my hands.

I wouldn’t mind being less scared of the world, and to be able to just get on with doing things by myself.

I wouldn’t mind my partner feeling that our roles are equal – that neither of us are a burden in any way, shape or form to one another, that we are both strong, healthy, happy and complete individuals.

I wouldn’t mind being able to make my ideas a reality, without having all this doubt and anxiety holding me back.

I have made it my mission to have achieved my desired level of maturity by around a years time!

I never want to be boring. I always want to be a cute, strange, quirky, unique and adventurous person who’s always unapologetically me. I just want to be a more strong, confident, skilled, fearless, dependable and reliable version of that person.

Basically, I want to be a cute princess and a badass superhero.

Becoming more mature, grown up, intelligent and wise does NOT mean you have lose anything positive that your young self possesses. It doesn’t have to mean that at all. It means retaining your youthful spirit whilst honing some of your weaker life skills, until those skills are strong and complete.

If being mature means to be cute, strong, strange, confident, skilled, quirky, fearless, unique, dependable and reliable, then it’s something I want to be.

– Storm