1

After Day 6 Of Working On Me.

Hey guys!

Yesterday I managed to achieve 10 things toward developing myself into a healthy version of me!

 

 


 

1.) I took my weight! This has literally just become routing by this point πŸ™‚

2.) Made myself a proper, good breakfast consisting of cereal, a coffee and a bottle of water.

3.) I drank a bottle of water! Again, standard routine by this point!

4.) I put a load of laundry on in the washing machine.

5.) I hung up lots of wet laundry to dry.

6.) THIS is the exciting one of the day guys. I always seem to have one thing that I’m pretty chuffed about and excited about. So basically, I had been watching the Kon Mari method on Netflix and so I decided to try it myself. I washed all of me and my partner’s clothes and piled them all into separate piles on the bed, and proceeded to alternate picking one item to go into the keep pile, one to go into the discard pile (depending on whether the item truly sparked joy or not). Our aim was a 50% reduction in our clothes, so this method worked really nicely! At the end, we allowed our imperfect selves to grab anything we REALLY wanted from the discard pile, so I think we probably got rid of around 40% of our clothes at the end. After doing this, me and my fiancΓ© ended up putting away SOME of my clothes using the Kon Mari way (so that we could fit as many clothes into our storage areas as possible etc), but I basically ended up with a massive pile of clothes on top of my dressing table ever since that Kon Mari session that never ended up being put away. Finally, yesterday me and my partner put ALL MY CLOTHES AWAY IN THE KON MARI FASHION! I mean, I’m so happy I could legit cry about this achievement. I sat there for probably 4 hours straight folding and putting away my clothes. The photo is just a sample which is the drawer with all my tops inside and a few jumpers.

7.) I drank another bottle of water.

8.) I uploaded another picture onto Instagram. This time it was just a screen shot of my phone’s background, because I think one’s phone background really showcases a lot about an individual! It also allowed me to give a moment to express my appreciation about my fiancΓ© buying me the phone πŸ™‚

9.) I drank another bottle of water.

10.) I drank my final bottle of water (adding up to 2.4 litres in total for the day).


 

Thank you so much for reading!

Today I hope that I will do some studying, henna my ends, take a bath, upload another picture on Instagram, clean my mirrors and windows and any hard surfaces and that’s about it.

For Instagram, I think I might start aiming to upload photos of myself actually DOING things, rather than just selfies or photos that don’t have me in them at all… I think photos of people actually doing things kinda shows a little window into that person’s life and are really personally expressive!

I will update you all tomorrow to show you what I got up to doing today πŸ™‚

Storm

0

After Day 2 Of Working On Me

Hey guys!

Yesterday I did 10 things that I feel kept me moving forward in terms of self development.

Again, please don’t judge me guys! I know that for some of you, some of these things are super basic but please understand that for some people, like me, these things are BIG achievements and are steps toward us becoming us at our best.

 

 


 

1.) Again, I weighed myself first thing in the morning. This is a step toward staying disciplined and having some sort of a routine, and is also a step toward caring about my health.

2.) I thoroughly washed our my kitten Kepler’s food bowl and gave him a nice meal, and also gave him lots of dry food and his cat treats. This was a step toward being more compassionate and putting others before myself (this was the second thing I did in my day) which can be really hard to do when you’re so absorbed in your own bad mental health.

3.) I drank one of my 600ml bottles of water! Sticking to this routine is another step toward improving my self-discipline and having any sort of routine is very healthy for us fours.

4.) I had a mahoosive, delicious plate of heated up leftover spaghetti bolognese for breakfast. Now I know that for some of you, you’ll be like, how is that an achievement though? Isn’t that a BAD thing? Again, for people with crap mental health, just HAVING breakfast routinely is an achievement – let alone a nutritious, tasty breakfast that they heated up and ate hot.

5.) I cut my fringe! I’m super excited and happy about this one. All throughout the day I found myself getting very, very angry at constantly having hair in my face, so I thought “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!” I pulled all my hair back into a nice high ponytail to be sure that I wouldn’t cut any of my long hair that I’m trying to grow, and then I sort of put my hand on my hair and pushed forward toward my face, to get all of that irritating loose hair in my face so I could clearly see what I was dealing with. Once I thoroughly did that, I put any longer hair that I wanted to grow out of the way and behind my ears, and then separated the section which I knew I actually wanted to be part of my fringe. I got myself a good mirror and just started cutting away. I just cut it until it was pretty short honestly, but still sort of long… I can’t explain but you’ll be able to see in the picture. I’m SO happy about this!

6.) I got myself ready to go out and went into Uni. A super big deal for me, this one was really difficult!

7.) At Uni I went to a wearable electronics optional workshop, wear I made a little circuit with 3 LED’s that respond to vibration! My idea was to put the circuit in some sort of chunky bracelet or wristband, and that the LED’s would light up in response to a musician moving their wrist to play an instrument. Although I was really rushed to make the circuit, I’m proud that I made it. It was originally to have 5 LED’s but I just didn’t have the time to solder the last 2 on, and also didn’t have time to actually program the circuit to light up in any sort of sequence so it doesn’t really work as it is, but it does work, if that makes sense?

8.) I drank another bottle of water! Yay for health! Yay for routine! Yay for self-discipline!

9.) I plucked my brows. Another thing I’m really chuffed about. It had been a while since I had last plucked my brows and they are so much prettier now!

10.) I drank another bottle of water! So same as yesterday, I had 3 bottles altogether making 1.8 litres. I’m so glad that I’ve been able to keep up this little routine so far because it is really difficult for me.


 

That’s it for yesterday! I know for some of you it will be hard to see but I have achieved a lot in the past two days. I went from someone that felt disgusting, fed up of life, extremely depressed, having low self-worth and low self-esteem to someone that actually feels pretty, and feels like they deserve to be pretty and look decent enough to go out into the world, and deserve to have their health cared for… I feel much less depressed already although I still have a super long way to go to climb up the levels of self-development that four’s on the Enneagram have.

Tomorrow I will update you all on what I achieved today. I don’t expect much though because it is already 13:11 and I haven’t done anything yet! I will do my best though πŸ™‚

Storm

0

Blossoming As A Type 4.

Hey guys!

So, I recently discovered that using Enneagram typology, I am a 4w5. I’ve already learnt a lot about this type and after learning about the different levels of healthiness of my Enneagram type, I decided to write a blog post on blossoming as a type 4 as soon as I could.

I believe I’m at level 7 on the four’s levels of development scale.

I think if I were on any level below a 7, I would basically feel much worse than I do now (although I do resonate a lot with level 8 too). In fact, I definitely feel everything written that a level 8 feels, apart from I don’t feel that I am closed off to receiving help – which I think is the biggest distinction between a level 7 and a level 8 in my opinion. In fact, I absolutely love being helped and actively ask for help often, and although sometimes it is difficult to receive it, I’m always happy and grateful once I have. Definitely not a level 9 at the moment though – I think that level is reserved for the lowest of the low points I experience in my life (such as during my foundation year at my first University…) Although, I definitely do experience the odd emotional breakdown every now and then!

I think if I were on any level above a 7, I’d definitely be a lot more expressive than I am now, although I do relate a LOT with level 5, and I think a level 5 is basically me on a good day!

A level 7 resonates with me most because it is a state where chaos leads to one disallowing themselves from basically doing anything that they enjoy, leads to anger toward oneself, leads to depression and isolation… It’s just basically a sort of reactionary state to being in a bad situation.

My bad situation? Well, I’m just not doing great at Uni and am just generally really not very happy with my life and how it’s going at all. It could be worse, but it certainly could be quite a bit better.

So, I want to blossom.

What is it to blossom?

Apparently, according to the Google search result for “define blossom”, it means to “mature or develop in a promising or healthy way.” Synonyms are develop, grow, mature, progress, evolve, burst forth, come to fruition, flourish, thrive, get on well, prosper, succeed, be successful, make headway, bloom, burgeon and go great guns… Antonyms are fade and fail.

Basically, I’m pretty bored and fed up of being a level 7. I mean, it’s okay, but there is a lot more out there for me to experience and I know that’s the person I want to be.

I know I probably seem to be taking the Enneagram too literally, or seem obsessive, or maybe it seems like I’m just using this as another procrastination tactic.

It isn’t that I’m taking the Enneagram literally, rather that it has made me feel quite validated and I definitely resonate with this typology system better than the MBTI (it took 4 tests before I got the same result twice for MBTI, and only 2 for Enneagram).

I’m not obsessive about the Enneagram itself – rather about the prospect of being happy, healthy and successful.

I’m not using this to procrastinate, this is something I need to do so that I will find being productive easier and feel less need to procrastinate altogether.

So, I’m really excited about this. I’m excited about working on me. I work on me a lot to be fair, but in a much less direct way than I intend to now do. This should be priority – type 4’s who are on the extreme end of level 9 are LIKELY to commit suicide! I mean, what’s more important than preventing that? I need to climb this development ladder and FAST.

I’m scared of shifting my focus – scared that my future will somehow fall apart, scared that it will lead to me being unproductive, scared that it won’t work, scared that it will be a waste of time, scared that it is the wrong decision, scared that this will just lead me into an even deeper depression, scared that it might go right and I might actually end up being happy through doing this… That’s the scariest thought of all! It means letting go of who I am, who I have been, and allowing myself to live the life I’ve always wanted. That’s scary when you feel like you’re not good enough to live that life.

So, to start my blossoming, I’m going to get myself some routine going. I’ve heard nothing but good things about fours having a good routine to get them stuck into the reality of daily life. I’m not going to go nuts with a routine, but I’ll just give myself the structure that I think I actually need to be happiest.

I also really need to stay on top of my studies. I NEED to stay grounded in the reality that I’ve created for myself, but without TRAPPING myself! I need to be studying, hard, and doing the work I set for myself and meeting those expectations every single day. I need to be kind to myself and give myself realistic expectations and allow myself time to just be free, but sticking to those expectations is essential to me being happy and loving myself.

I need to begin taking care of myself and making me feel good about myself. I need to take my long Lush baths, do my hair and makeup, use my perfumes, take care in what clothes and jewellery I wear, taking photos of myself and being proud of who I am and of how I represent myself with how I look.

I NEED TO BE FEARLESS AND MAKE TIME TO DO THE THINGS THAT I ENJOY! I need to allow myself to READ my books, to write my blog posts, to edit my photos, to paint my pictures, to learn my instruments, to sing my songs, TO CREATE. I NEED TO MAKE TIME EVERYDAY TO BE CREATIVE! How else am I going to express myself? I NEED THIS. I think this will absolutely bring me the most joy in my life. I need this so, so much.

I’m going to leave it there, because I think that amount of focus is the right amount to allow me to thrive.

This is, of course, before the fact – so I will do my best to update ya’ll on my progress at a later time to say how it’s all going.

Thanks for reading,

Storm

 

 

0

My Enneagram Type

Hey guys!

So, my older sister has been interested in the Enneagram recently, so I’ve decided to try taking some tests to see what my Enneagram type is at the present.

I have taken personality typing tests before – but the only up-to-date result I have is that I am an INFP from the MBTI personality testing system.

So, here it goes!

I begin by searching “Enneagram test” into google.co.uk…

I click on the first result to take my first Enneagram test! I answer any and all questions as honestly and PRESENTLY as I possibly can. What I mean by this is that I answer the questions as though the scenario in question was just about to occur in a moment, rather than depending on memories of experiences to answer the questions. This gives a result that is accurate and applicable to who I am today, versus a result based on either my image of who I am or on who I have been in the past πŸ™‚

The first google result is eclecticenergies.com/enneagram/test.

It contains two online Enneagram tests, so I will take both πŸ™‚

Okay, so after taking the first test, the results believe me to be a type 4 – more specifically a 4w5.

The second test believes me to be a type 4 too, also with a 4w5 wing, of the self-preservation variant.

Considering that both tests use completely different methods (the first had a page of 9 questions, each representing an Enneagram type, with 3 possible answers (yes, no or partly) for each – there were 14 pages altogether and after a while the questions would lessen as some types would be eliminated (by the 14th page I had only 5 questions per page left) and the second had 50-something pairs of statements, which a scale of 7 options to which you rate the pair of statements), I think it is safe to say that my result for the Enneagram is fairly conclusively a 4w5. I think it would be very unlikely for anything but this result to be true given the amount of possibilities that were available to me for both tests, and getting the exact same result using two different systems.

So, that’s it! I’m a 4w5. An INFP 4w5. Awesome.

It’s always fun to gather more information about yourself πŸ™‚

I will do more personality typing tests so that I have more results besides simply the INFP result and the 4w5 result. I’ll also get my partner to do the second test to see how similar a result he gets to me (we both got INFP-T on the MBTI test, so I’m very curious to see what he gets for this test!) I honestly don’t do tests like these often though because they take me a very long time to do and take a lot of energy and concentration out of me, so it isn’t likely that I’ll do any more tests very very soon. For now I’m pretty content with the personality typing results that I do have.

Below is a mosaic of images from my test taking, followed by the two images of my results πŸ™‚

20190317_15141120190317_153902

 
– Storm

1

In Response To Emma Blackery’s “Why I Fell Out Of Love With Lush…” Video.

Hey guys,

I’m bored and just watched Emma Blackery’s video on why she has fallen out of love with Lush, and instead of commenting on her video I decided I’d make a post with my response on my blog.

So, here it is:


 

I still love Lush and really enjoy buying their products – but they have definitely changed a lot (over the past 3 years particularly).

It’s still an exciting store, but is just so insanely popular now – you’d have to turn up at 10am on a Wednesday or some similar time for the store to actually be remotely calm and comfortable to go shopping around in! The staff also drive me nuts (I know that isn’t their fault) and their approach to customers has always been a problem, but has definitely become a LOT more aggressive than before.

I do still like a lot of their old – school products – like Coalface for example, but don’t honestly go in to buy any of my old time favourites that they do still sell. As a customer, I feel like I’m just constantly being bombarded with new products, so the really high quality, older products take a back seat and aren’t really noticed so much, which is really sad!

I think everybody just went a bit nuts over Lush and all at the same time, and that “boom” has really changed the company and the customer’s experience of the company. I think they just need to cut back on their releases (e.g. releasing maybe 5 new lipsticks versus FORTY, under 10 releases for each season, maybe only 10 new permanent line items each year etc,) so that old products could be discontinued at a much less noticeable rate (and so that only old products that people don’t really care about would be discontinued).

I know Lush is supposed to be an innovative company but I don’t think there is anything boring about keeping around the products that people love and that work.

I am still interested in some of their products that they sell at the moment – I’d really like to find a nice lipstick from their new range for example, but beyond that I’m personally just trying to get through my stash and only purchase anything from there either on the rare occasion that they release something that does excite me, or on the rare occasion that I run out of one of my daily Lush essentials.

I think I *could* get back into the company more passionately once I work my way through my stash entirely, but with all the new products that they are constantly releasing I do feel that it would be difficult for me to do. I’m the type of person who likes to try a bit of everything to find their ultimate favourite product from each category (shampoo, conditioner, shower gel etc,) and then to stick to that product! That’s something that’s become almost impossible to do with Lush…

For example, I had ALMOST worked my way through all of their cleansers – and now they have 6 new solid ones?! You can’t even get samples of those things, and it’s hard to truly know how something works until you take it home and really trial it.

I think to really enjoy Lush you have to be using their products religiously every single day, because otherwise you will just become overloaded with products to use up and with new products to try.

Definitely isn’t the company for a customer who’s trying to find their perfect product through trial and error and is fairly bad at consistently using products.


So, that’s what I have to say about falling out of love with Lush!

Again, I DO still love Lush, and Lush is still my favourite store by far. I’d honestly be happy if they just reduced how many new products they release at a time, and if they cut back on their amount of products by maybe 50% or so. They just have WAY too much going on!

It’s hard for a customer to become loyal and in love with and attached to a product when the product lines keeps changing. That just sends customers a very confused message.

What do you guys think about Lush? Have any of you guys fallen out of love with the company? Feel free to leave a comment on your opinions below πŸ™‚Β 

Storm

1

10 Things I’d like to get done this week.

Here are the main 10 things at the front of my mind that I’d like to get done BEFORE I go back to Uni next Monday, as most of them are kinda essential to living a nice, happy, healthy, functional student life. This is probably a really long and boring list to read but uh, writing it helped me to get myself together for the start of a new day.

    • Going to actually get my bra size professionally measured so that I can wear bras that are actually COMFORTABLE and that actually FIT and LOOK GOOD ON ME! I have literally stopped wearing bras since around a month ago purely because of how uncomfortable they all were on me – so it’s time I get myself down to Selfridges and get myself properly measured for the first time in my life. I chose Selfridges because if I’m going to do something that I’m going to find this uncomfortable, there’s no doubt that I’m going to make sure that I get the job done as properly as possible. Selfridges also sell an insanely good, popular, all-rounder that I have my eye on.
    • Write a blog post about our new kitten Kepler because he is a big change to mine and my fiance’s life and adopting him was a decision that took a lot of thought and consideration.
    • Get my Serious Adverse Circumstances for my missed exam submitted ASAP and to the best of my ability so that I have my best chance of having a deferral to sit the exam in June instead. The exam was worth 80% of the module however I was feeling very unwell that morning and had to miss it – I had NO IDEA how difficult it would be in the end to basically prove that I’m not a liar. It is what it is and I have made all the right decisions, it’s just down to the exam board people to decide if my adverse circumstances were serious enough I guess.
    • Buy myself at least 3 new bras so that I’m at least minimally sorted with all of this bra faff for the time being.Β Again, I literally haven’t even worn any of my bras for around a month because of HOW UNCOMFORTABLE THEY ARE, so I’m kinda starting from scratch here.
    • Buy some new stationary for Uni from Poundland so I can be restocked and ready for Semester B of my second year on this degree! I bought all my stationary for Semester A during the Summer from Poundland and it was the best decision I could have made – I was able to buy a ton of stuff that was perfect for being a student and for an affordable price. I designated each item a purpose (e.g. for writing assignments, for classwork etc) which has kept me more organised and motivated to produce some really good work so far this year!
    • To declutter everything that I physically own in my flat, so that we can have more space!Β I’ve been watching the KonMari method on Netflix and it has absolutely inspired me to once again declutter, and without the guilt of feeling ungrateful for owning the things I might decide to get rid of – because the KonMari method involves holding each item individually and thanking it for the service it did for you. Although I’m fairly privileged and never went without when I was growing up, I still grew up in a very low income household, which has caused me to be a bit of a hoarder as an adult – despite my household income being fine now. I just feel so much guilt for getting rid of anything – there’s someone out there who would be so appreciative to own what I’m considering rubbish, and that thought really upsets me. But, I deserve to have space, and giving things to charity allows those people to find the amazing items that don’t fit into my life anymore.
    • Get all of my coursework done really well by Thursday 17th January – because I have two pieces of programming coursework due in by then and I really just need to sit down and get it done really well.
    • Self love needs to happen – I need to appreciate my favourite clothes, test out that Caca Rouge henna sample from Lush, give my hair a trim, post some awesome photos onto Instagram, do my makeup, brows, nails and shave, curl my hair, take a bath and all the other good things that just help me to feel like the awesome person I am!
    • Give my plants so love – give them a good water, put them in the positions that are best for them in the flat and write a blog post about them. I have some of the most gorgeous plants to take care of, and it would be far too sad to not share them with everybody online!

 

    • I seriously need to replace my phone, buy a camera, sort out my laptop, set up my fitbit, get myself a computer and buy some speakers for our TV. I know that this sounds like a lot, but it’s because I’ve left everything for so damn long, so my electronic needs have seriously begun to pile up. I’ve had my phone for 2 years and 9 months – 9 months longer than when my contract ended, and it’s an iPhone guys so this is pretty serious. I’ve been wanting a camera since forever – the amount of times per day I literally have to delete some of the few photos, apps and videos I store on my phone just to make enough space to re-install messenger because my phone decided to uninstall it because of lack of space. It’s ridiculous and I just need a damn designated camera and SSD card for all of my photos and videos. My laptop has been broken since around the beginning of my 3-year degree, so around 15 months ago I’d say, and I kinda need a laptop to do my work as I also don’t own a computer. I’ve just been borrowing Richard’s old work laptop since then but I really want my own one to be fixed as best as possible! My fitbit I’ve had for just over 3 years now and have hardly used because I wasn’t committed enough for fitness, however now I am and would love to make use of this nifty gadget. I want a computer because I just kinda do… I can’t really justify this one very well – I just love the reliability of actual PCs I guess and really miss having one, as I haven’t had my own one since around 5 years and 10 months ago. Now, we’ve had our TV for just over 3 years, and it has never had any speakers with it. The sound that you get purely from the monitor itself is absolutely awful – this is an absolute must! 
      That’s about everything for now!

      There are of course more things that I’d like to do before next Monday, but I don’t want to overwhelm myself so I’ll just keep adding new things as I get things done on this list.

      Storm

     

 

 

 

 

 

 

1

It’s Time For My Tryptophan!

And I’m scared.

Not scared of the pill itself, I’m just…

Scared of this journey.

I’m scared that it will actually work, that self-medicating myself with Tryptophan will actually make me feel better.

WHY DOES THAT SCARE ME?!?

I’m scared of losing this massive part of me.

I’m scared of not being ill enough to have my struggles diagnosed…

It feels like I’ve been through SO MUCH, and that pretty much NOBODY has helped me, nobody has listened to me, nobody has given me the support I’ve needed (besides my partner) – I didn’t even reach the point of being brave enough to have a Student Need’s Assessment so that I could have more time for exams or some leniency with deadlines (I don’t think I’ve ever finished an exam paper due to time constraints and my mental health problems.)

I’m disappointed in myself for not having sought out more help than I have done while struggling, but at the same time, I’m disappointed for all the times I’ve sought out help and HAVEN’T been helped.

I don’t know, it just feels really scary and like…

It’s like I haven’t been able to function as a normal human being – my partner does everything for me, I’ve never had a job and I’m 25 years old, I’ve had to take FOUR DIFFERENT LEVEL 3 COURSES (Access to Higher Education Diploma, two University Foundation Years and Intensive A-Levels,) to FINALLY get onto the first year of a degree.

It’s just been so dysfunctional and abnormal – but that’s become my normal.

I think I’d find it hard to live up to the expectations of being a healthy, intelligent, high functioning adult with the world as their oyster.

I know this all probably sounds ridiculous and at my worst I do wish that it would just go away, but now that that might become a reality, it just feels very odd.

I’ve lost all my friends over this, I’ve lost all my hobbies to this, I’ve lost SO MUCH TO THIS.

What if just taking Tryptophan solves it all? Would I feel like all I’ve lost to mental health problems was just… For no reason at all?

Bearing in mind aswell that this is a depressed person speaking and depression, for some reason, kinda wants you to spiral downwards, to make the choices that exacerbate the situation etc. It’s self defeating. It WANTS to win.

The idea of just simply being happy, healthy, capable, sounds…. Uncomfortable.

I’m literally trying to convince myself and talk myself into trying to treat my mental health problems. How stupid am I?

It sounds so petty, doesn’t it?

It probably won’t change anything by taking this pill anyways, and this is what I’ve wanted for years so what the hell am I hesitating for?

It’s the right choice, so I’ll just do it.

Here’s to hoping my dodgy brain actually sees some improvement over the next few weeks.

I’ll update you all tomorrow, maybe, if I feel like it πŸ™‚

I know, I’ll up the ante.

If I see improvement, I can treat myself to something I really want, like… I don’t even know… Something I’d actually be able to enjoy if I weren’t mentally ill – like a good book or something! Been years since I finished a book. Kinda impossible to focus with my racing, anxious, overbearing, over-thinking, repetitive, stressful thoughts!

Storm

 

2

OCD Tendencies Triggers

Okay, so I haven’t been diagnosed with OCD.

In fact, I haven’t been diagnosed with anxiety or depression either.

Shock. Horror.

Would is surprise you that anybody who is currently diagnosed with a mental health problem, at some point in the past, HADN’T been diagnosed with a mental health problem?

I’ve read so many places how it’s “wrong” to self-diagnose, but the truth is that the NHS system in England doesn’t really accommodate psychological diagnosis’ very well. To get onto a psychologist’s waiting lists can take months by itself, and then there’s the time on the waiting list, and then the time before a diagnosis… It’s a process.

And to first even approach a doctor, either oneself, somebody close to you or somebody who comes across you in the emergency room after swallowing a bottle of pills, will refer you to a doctor, to begin this process.

The people close to me are too go-with-the-flow to really care if I go to the doctor or not to resolve my problems. And, my problems aren’t severe enough to land me into the emergency room.

So, once things started getting bad, I did my research and came to my own conclusions, and thus referred myself.

WHAT’S SO WRONG ABOUT THAT?

And yes, I’m in the process of, well, waiting for my doctor to ring me up to say that I’ve been referred to a psychologist which, y’know, it’s been probably 2 months of waiting so far.

In the mean time I’m not exactly going to just sit around doing nothing about my problems, hence the research, hence the conclusions. It’s much easier to help yourself when you have a good idea of what’s wrong.

So, there’s my little disclaimer for all the people who are like “don’t claim to have something you’ve not been diagnosed with”. If you’ve even had the opportunity to get to the stage of diagnosis then that’s bloody lucky. I’ve been trying to get to that point for a really long time.

SO

I have some OCD TENDENCIES.

What I mean by that is that I’m not really convinced that I’d get diagnosed with OCD, because there are a lot of things that luckily do not affect my daily life that do affect OCD sufferer’s.

For example, my mind has never really associated not doing an action with meaning that someone I care about will die or something.

I’m not super particular about where things are in my room (unless I’ve done a good tidy up, but before that point, I don’t care too much if things aren’t absolutely perfect.)

My problems are with repetitive phrases, repeating actions to an extent, etc.

So again, here are some of my “triggers” for my OCD tendencies.


1.) When I fill up my water bottle. You see, I’m quite particular about my water intake – I MUST achieve 4 full bottles of my BRITA water bottle (600ml) from midnight of the day before until midnight of the day after. So, whenever I’m to fill my bottle of water, it has to be done perfectly. I run the water until it’s so cold that it hurts to the touch, and then there are phrases I repeat in my head until my brain is satisfied enough to move on onto a different activity. The water bottle is ALWAYS overflowing by this point! For some reason that I don’t quite fully understand, considering I know he isn’t flawless by any means – if my partner fills my bottle up for me, I simply trust that he’s done it right, and don’t worry about it at all.

2.) When I shower and do anything like shampoo my hair, condition my hair, wash my body, rinse my body, exfoliate my face, tone my face… Actually, any single beauty step you can think of. Whenever I do these things, the same thing happens as above. I repeat phrases in my head, for example “too much because ___, too little because _____, too much because ____ too little because ____, …” I know that probably doesn’t make sense but it’s basically my silly brains way of making sure I’ve completed the task properly. Even with the water thing, I didn’t repeat the phrases because they are so abstract that I’d be embarrassed to, but it’s basically my brain trying make sure that I’ve found the sweet spot and have completed the task perfectly…

3.) When I weigh myself. I like to maintain a weight of exactly 127.8 lbs, and if I don’t weigh that much (especially if I weigh MORE than that amount, as I tend to be over my ideal weight versus under), I will stress out and really try to get myself back to my ideal weight. Even if i’m just 0.2 lbs over, I’ll stop eating or something and weigh myself every 5 minutes until it’s back to my ideal weight.

4.) When moving on to any task different to the one I’m currently one, I have to repeat phrases again until my mind is satisfied enough for me to move on. In fact, when I make any decision at all, about anything. Whether I’ve chosen the right amount of presents for Christmas, whether the present itself is right, when choosing option modules for Uni, when deciding if it’s time to close my Instagram tab or…. Ugh. It’s really difficult to explain accurately.


 

This is something very closely linked to my anxiety, and I really do suffer from it. It’s the think that makes me so anxious about making decisions, the thing that often makes me take an hour to just shampoo my hair. Sometimes my brain simply will not let me move on from a task because it will deem that I haven’t done it perfectly enough.

You know what, I don’t even think I’m a perfectionist in the traditional sense. I don’t study much, the quality of my Uni work isn’t the best, my flat is far from immaculate etc. Like, I’m not ACTIVELY a perfectionist – it’s just certain actions, my brain won’t let me move on from unless I achieve them perfectly, which can take such a long time that by time I move on I have a headache, feel physically sick, tired, upset etc.

What helps me with all of the above, besides the weight thing, is me asking my partner to help me. When I ask him to fill my bottle for me I know he often thinks I’m just being lazy, but it’s because it is genuinely a MUCH bigger task for me to do than for him, and it truly helps when he just does it for me. Sometimes when I’m really struggling to get ready in the morning and I have to be somewhere at a certain time, he’ll wash my hair for me and again, I generally just trust that he’s done it right. The same for making decisions and moving onto different tasks – I’ll often just ask him if I’ve done enough to move on, if I’ve done it right enough, if he’s certain etc etc, and will move on much quicker after he has told me it’s the right thing to do versus me trying to come to that conclusion myself.

Basically, taking decisions out of the hands of someone who suffers with these sorts of tendencies is probably the best way to help (although, not taking full control – if someone were to choose an outfit for me to wear and there were very specific reasons why I couldn’t wear those items in my mind, I’d be VERY upset if they insisted I wear that outfit, if that makes sense? It has to be in ways that the sufferer actually agrees would be helpful!)

Storm

3

Depression Triggers

Following on from my last post…

I also have depression. Yay!

And I get depressed a lot.

Sometimes this can be worsened or brought on by a “trigger”.

I’m going to list some of my triggers – maybe the list will help some of you know what sort of things to AVOID if you have someone in your life who is also suffering from depression, or maybe it can be something you can relate to if you have depression, or something that can educate you, or entertain you?

I dunno guys, use it however you will.


 

1.) My relationship with my partner not being exactly how I want it to be. Maybe I overthink the situation when he doesn’t give me enough attention, which leads to me feeling really un-special, unattractive, plummets my self confidence, makes me really dislike myself and my life and wish my relationship was more than it is and ugh… Leads to depression. Guys, just to clarify, my partner is amazing. I’m just a person who needs a certain amount of attention from their partner to actually feel like I’m wanted so when he isn’t feeling very affectionate towards me, it brings on my depression haaaaaard.

2.) Not waking up at a good time. You know how nice and, well, NORMAL it feels for most people to simply wake up at like 07:00? On a full 7-8 hours of deep, undisturbed sleep? Yeah, that doesn’t happen to me. This is the earliest I’ve been awake in a while – and it’s around 10:15. I go to sleep at maybe 03:00 at night. My sleep is disturbed because I always go to sleep super anxious, and watch maybe 3 hours of TV in bed before sleeping. Before bed is usually when I discuss problems I had in my day with my partner, so I also normally go to sleep really down and ugh… It’s just proper screwed up and disorganised and it’s really really difficult to wake up happy after sleeps like I have!!! I should be in bed at 23:00, without any electronics or anything, after having taken a bath and after having a GOOD evening with my partner and a really productive day, and then just actually fall asleep easily for a good 7-8 hours. That’s all I need. It really sucks starting every single day late. Caused by depression and induces depression, a beautiful cycle. This also leads to me sleeping during the day and having an even less productive day and leads to even more depression and leads to my night sleep causing me to actually be over-rested, so I also always wake up with a headache and feeling unwell. Amazing.

3.) Not doing well on my degree. I’ve been missing SO many lectures recently because of my lack of energy and my weird sleeping pattern. I’ve been hardly working, and earlier this week I received the first grade that I’ve been very unhappy with this Semester. It’s okay, I’ve come to terms with it and have thought of a way to level out my grade to bring it back up, but it’s just upsetting. I have an assignment I wanted to hand in tomorrow that I haven’t even started. It’s just never-ending work which is just almost impossible for somebody with mental health problems to actually succeed with. I just feel lazy and really disappointed in myself for not doing better, and I know everybody else just views me as lazy and unreliable as well. It’s easy to judge what you don’t know or don’t care to understand.

4.) Not having a great support network. I don’t have any close friends whatsoever. I have my partner, my mother, my little sister, my little brother, my older brother, my older sister and my father. That’s every single human being that I feel I can turn to. I also have my niece and nephew but y’know, they’re kids. I plan to get married next Summer or possibly the Summer after, and those are all the people (minus my little sister who’s in America, and my partner who will obviously attend) who I will invite. With me having full power to invite whoever I wish, 7 people, at maximum, will attend my side of my wedding. I mean, it could be worse, I could have a small immediate family. The problem is though, that as I said before, my little sister lives in America and well, the rest of my family all live in Glasgow (I live in London), so they’re not exactly super close. I hardly see them. I hardly speak to them. It sucks.

5.) The fact that my anxiety is kinda taking over every aspect of my life. I’ve bought bags and bags of beautiful new clothes, that have just remained in their bags for literally 2 years, all because of my anxiety. No, clothes do not scare me. The decision to just wear them when I had planned to do haul blog posts with them scare me. The prospect of all the steps it takes to create a haul blog post scares me. This is the exact same problem I have with using bath bombs I bought like, 3 years ago. Nothing in my life is simple anymore because my anxiety over-complicates EVERYTHING. Which leads to depression.

6.) Winter. I hate worrying about having the heating on all the time. I hate feeling cold. I hate the static in my hair. I hate the silence and stillness. I hate how ugly it looks outside, how dark and glum it is. I just despise it. I get seasonal depression every single year without fail, meaning that although I have general depression year round, my depression gets more severe during the winter months. Which is just lovely when everybody else is so excited about finishing up work / education for the winter and about Christmas.

7.) Just not being who I want myself to be. I feel like if it wasn’t for my anxiety and depression, I’d be who I actually want to be and feel like I AM, on the outside. I’d be able to live my life in a way that reflects my actual wants, likes, beliefs. I’d have hobbies, a good routine, friends. I’d have all the tattoos and piercings I’ve wanted to have for years, would wear the clothes I love, would go out and just be happy and enjoy myself. Instead I’m just quiet, isolated, unhappy, anxious.


 

The only ways I find relief from my depression is when things actually go right, which is kinda rare?

It’s not that I’m ungrateful – I am SO grateful for what I have. I do feel that it’s difficult for me to get things right and how I want them to be though.

I’m very critical, and am a perfectionist at heart, so unless I feel like something is basically done exactly how I want it to be done, I won’t be happy. I know that it’s bad, and is something I’ll work on.

If there’s somebody you care about who is suffering with depression, keep this perspective in mind. Anxiety and depression often go hand-in-hand, so it’s likely that similar things will “stimulate” their depression.

My advice would be to just help. Help make things in their life easier. Help make things actually go RIGHT in their lives – whether that’s getting out of bed at the time they wish they would, or going to bed at the time they wish they would, or getting them to shower before bed so that it’s one less thing they’ll have to worry about in the morning. Whether it’s through being the support that you are and taking them out, bringing some fun and excitement into their life. Showing you care about them by making them a card, giving them cuddles, complimenting them.

Helping them get their to-do list done!!!

I think that’s genuinely the biggest way to help somebody with their depression. Go onto trello.com, create a ‘To do’ list, a ‘Doing’ list and a ‘Done’ list, and ask them every single thing in their mind that they would like to get done, big or small. Fill up the to-do list, and update it every few days with new things that they’d like to do. Help them get items moved to the ‘Doing’ list and ultimately, the ‘Done’ list. Trust me, this will help them SO much!

Storm

4

Anxiety Triggers

I have anxiety.

I have BAD anxiety.

It doesn’t ever really go away, the only escape I have from feeling worried, stressed, irritable, scared, unfocussed, from overthinking or over-planning is when I’m distracting myself with comforts, and push my worries to the back of my mind.

They’ll still be present, but will kinda be in the background.

This happens when I’m able to just lay down and talk with my mother online about random things.

This happens when I’m able to go to bed and have my partner give me a nice shoulder and back massage.

And that’s about it.

The majority of each and everyday is spent avoiding stress and being stressed.

I thought I’d write about some of my triggers, because as my anxiety progresses, I realise that even though my triggers seem blatantly obvious to me, others either just don’t think about them or don’t care about them very much, or about the effect they have on me.

So I need to vent and yeah, I don’t know, writing about my triggers somehow makes me feel like somebody else is really taking in what I’m trying to say will actually HELP me A LOT.

IF YOU CARE ABOUT ME AT ALL PLEASE AVOID THESE THINGS AROUND ME AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.


 

1.) Loud noises. Actually, any disturbing, distracting sound to whatever the ambient background sound is for that particular setting. I hate it when my partner E-cigs, because that sound just breaks through any background sound and it just spurs on my anxiety. I hate the sound of dishes clanking when somebody is preparing to cook, or is doing the washing up, or is whacking the cooking utensil on the side of the pan. I hate the sound of people coughing. I hate the sound of phones ringing, or of doorbells buzzing. The sound of people moving furniture around or hoovering in the flat above me… Or the sound of them walking around REALLY loudly. I hate the sound of typing… I hate the sound of tapping really hard on an iPad or phone screen to click. I hate the sound of extractor fans. I hate the sound of fiddling with an object, like clicking a pen non-stop. I hate the sound of loud talking while in a library. ANY OF THESE INCIDENTS will LITERALLY make me unable to think, until the sound stops. My focus is so bad that I just can’t deal with those sounds. They make me freeze up, and just wait until it’s over, so that I can actually resume my thoughts. Just imagine that for a second. I mean, these are occurrences that happen multiple times in a day that most people don’t even notice. Well, I do. It sounds ridiculous but these interruptive sounds – oh, yawns aswell… Ugh, I hate the sounds of yawns in the morning. Anyway, these interruptive sounds LITERALLY DISABLE ME. I become entirely UNABLE to process thoughts while these sounds are going on, and even once they have ended, I find it much more difficult to process thoughts afterwards and it takes me much longer to, well, think.

2.) Interruptive things in my view. This includes pacing, fiddling with something, staring at me while I’m trying to focus… Even just people walking around in the kinda “background” of my view while I’m trying to focus, I NOTICE IT. Wow, writing this makes me realise just how bad it is, but this is all genuinely true. Again, it can be really difficult to focus with these distracting movements going on, although they are nowhere near as triggering as the sounds thing. Oh, and pop-ups in the corner of the screen. And the messenger tab flashing when somebody messages me. And you know the little line that flashes when you stop typing? That.

3.) Asking me questions, ESPECIALLY TO MAKE DECISIONS. PLEASE GOD NO. Ask me what I want to eat for dinner? You may end up waiting like, 2 hours, with me going back and fourth in conversation with myself trying to make a decision, only to end with me crying and having a breakdown. Not even kidding. Decisions can be okay sometimes, but usually not. The worst kind of question / decision making thing is when somebody asks for me to confirm something I had already decided previously. E.g. I decide I want something for dinner and tell them, and they then ask “So you really want that thing for dinner?” Ugh. As soon as they ask that stupid, stupid question, my brain overanalyses and we have another couple of hours of decision making, distress, headaches and anger on our hands. Please, if I make a decision about something, DON’T QUESTION IT. I don’t mind if it’s like “Oh cool, why do you think that?” Just not the “Are you sure?” sort of questions. Just don’t. Yes, I’m sure. I already made that decision, please do not put me through the pain of making it again!!!

4.) Time limits. Having to get ready in the morning to be on-time for lectures everyday. Having to go to bed before a certain time in order to achieve my 7 1/2 hours of sleep per night. Having to take a pill at the same time everyday. Deadlines. Having a party at a certain time. Someone asking if I want to hang out last minute, requiring me to have to get ready quickly in order to meet them in time. Mostly the getting ready thing. Jese. The amount of breakdowns I’ve had in the mornings, the amount of times I’ve stood in the shower balling my eyes out, the amount of times I’ve finished my makeup and find myself just crying it all back off once I see what time it is. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I hate it. I CAN’T FUNCTION UNDER THESE CONDITIONS. Once you put a time constraint on me, it takes me twice as long to achieve anything. It’s the pressure, the stress. For example, I only ever really manage to answer around half the questions in multiple choice exams and have to just gamble on the rest. I’m late to things multiple times a week. THIS IS NOT LAZINESS OR ME BEING UNPROFESSIONAL. This is me setting myself a decent hour to get ready and my anxiety making it take me an hour just to wash my bloody hair. It is NOT my fault. Have kindness people and do not judge situations based on preconceptions.

5.) Asking me about my day, my progress, my plans, my achievements or talking about your day, your achievements, your plans etc. Even if it’s just asking me what I want to do today, or telling me what your plan for the day is. It just stresses me out so much and makes me super tense. I hate all of those conversation topics. It makes me go into this overanalysing mode and makes me tense up and feel really uncomfortable.

6.) Doing things that interrupt my day or what I’m working on. It takes me so long to decide anything, and even longer to get started working on the activity I decided on doing. So, once I’ve started said activity, please, do not get in my way or break my focus. I hate it when I’m tidying up, only to have somebody sitting RIGHT where I need to tidy, when my entire goal was to get the place super perfectly tidy. I know it sounds really extreme but ugh, this is my life guys. This is a lot of people’s life.

 


Those are the biggies!

I’m sure I come across as rude in this post but eh, I’m just, y’know, stressed out. As usual πŸ˜€

Storm