And I’m scared.
Not scared of the pill itself, I’m just…
Scared of this journey.
I’m scared that it will actually work, that self-medicating myself with Tryptophan will actually make me feel better.
WHY DOES THAT SCARE ME?!?
I’m scared of losing this massive part of me.
I’m scared of not being ill enough to have my struggles diagnosed…
It feels like I’ve been through SO MUCH, and that pretty much NOBODY has helped me, nobody has listened to me, nobody has given me the support I’ve needed (besides my partner) – I didn’t even reach the point of being brave enough to have a Student Need’s Assessment so that I could have more time for exams or some leniency with deadlines (I don’t think I’ve ever finished an exam paper due to time constraints and my mental health problems.)
I’m disappointed in myself for not having sought out more help than I have done while struggling, but at the same time, I’m disappointed for all the times I’ve sought out help and HAVEN’T been helped.
I don’t know, it just feels really scary and like…
It’s like I haven’t been able to function as a normal human being – my partner does everything for me, I’ve never had a job and I’m 25 years old, I’ve had to take FOUR DIFFERENT LEVEL 3 COURSES (Access to Higher Education Diploma, two University Foundation Years and Intensive A-Levels,) to FINALLY get onto the first year of a degree.
It’s just been so dysfunctional and abnormal – but that’s become my normal.
I think I’d find it hard to live up to the expectations of being a healthy, intelligent, high functioning adult with the world as their oyster.
I know this all probably sounds ridiculous and at my worst I do wish that it would just go away, but now that that might become a reality, it just feels very odd.
I’ve lost all my friends over this, I’ve lost all my hobbies to this, I’ve lost SO MUCH TO THIS.
What if just taking Tryptophan solves it all? Would I feel like all I’ve lost to mental health problems was just… For no reason at all?
Bearing in mind aswell that this is a depressed person speaking and depression, for some reason, kinda wants you to spiral downwards, to make the choices that exacerbate the situation etc. It’s self defeating. It WANTS to win.
The idea of just simply being happy, healthy, capable, sounds…. Uncomfortable.
I’m literally trying to convince myself and talk myself into trying to treat my mental health problems. How stupid am I?
It sounds so petty, doesn’t it?
It probably won’t change anything by taking this pill anyways, and this is what I’ve wanted for years so what the hell am I hesitating for?
It’s the right choice, so I’ll just do it.
Here’s to hoping my dodgy brain actually sees some improvement over the next few weeks.
I’ll update you all tomorrow, maybe, if I feel like it 🙂
I know, I’ll up the ante.
If I see improvement, I can treat myself to something I really want, like… I don’t even know… Something I’d actually be able to enjoy if I weren’t mentally ill – like a good book or something! Been years since I finished a book. Kinda impossible to focus with my racing, anxious, overbearing, over-thinking, repetitive, stressful thoughts!